Am I worth anything to you?

When your life seems in implode on you….there are supposed to be a handful of people who would without there to support you?!? – and yet whenever the proverbial has happened you have been absent from me?
The way I see it is that this kind of support is supposed to be unconditional…now even though I have 21, 16, 15, 14 & 6 yr old & not forgetting my Archie who sadly didn’t make this world….they have had & will continue to have situations in their lives where they are somewhat shaky about. These amongst many more to come are indeed, where I shall stand right next to them and do whatever it takes to support them. More importantly I feel I have to say that even when I disagree with the situation that presents itself, I shall endeavour even harder to never let them down… why is it that you continue to let me down? This hurts me deeply and saddens my whole being even as old as I am!
Is that there has been too much water flowing under the bridge, that I cannot reach out anymore? I try in vain many times and I consider myself to be at fault at times for just not letting it all lie. Strangely enough you brought me up to have strong morals and to believe that family is everything and will always be there but you lied and lied over and over to me and now yourselves!
I find myself wondering, what will happen when that time comes and you need me? Will I let you down as you have me? ……No I shan’t because that’s not who I am, that’s not who you raised me to be.
I am and am sure will continue to feel disappointed and let down by you but I will always LOVE you.
But it still hurts to know that you won’t help me! Even when at times I find myself asking….am I worth anything to you?


Feeling rather sorry for myself :(

Can’t shake my ‘down in the dumps ‘ today…woke up in a lot of pain, went back to sleep to ease it….woke back up still in bloody AGONY 😦
Its very hard to stay up beat when I struggle each day??
Snippets of my days are joyful & do indeed make me smile but the unrelenting truth behind the fact that I cannot manage my day as I wish, frustrates me beyond words.
I should indulge in one of my past times….writing to keep my brain engaged & make the most of the time I spend on my ass!!! Truthfully put….my mood swings back & forth…at times rather violently!
I do try to keep myself stable but its difficult so today I have indeed managed to literate my feelings in a positive way rather than engulf them negatively!!
Ok…enough said & i shall return!!